Unhappy.

Unhappy.
Dissatisfied.
I deserve better.

How did my life mess up this way?
I use to cry; throw a tantrum
when the day doesn’t go my way.

I had my life laid out nicely on a picnic mat.
Everything in its perfect place –
Quaint picnic basket filled with strawberries;
Crystal champagne cups filled with glistening grape juice;
A windy cloudy day and an slender ant-less tree to lean on
while I delightfully savour a book.
The perfect life.

Everything has always fallen in place
For that perfect day to last forever.

But suddenly, I’m trapped.
Like storm clouds that crept in without me noticing.
My day has turned to darkness.
I am sitting. Out cold. Wet. Miserable.

If I do A, B will happen.
If I do C, D will happen.
But now, I don’t even know which alphabet to start.

I’m stranded. Out cold. Wet. Miserable.

Groping in the dark.
Searching for some light.
Seeking for a better place.
But here I lie shivering. Out cold. Wet. Miserable.

At the mercy of the winds of change.
Blown to and fro without cover, root, direction.
Oh when will this helplessness end?
When will I see the sunshine after the rain?
When will I find the rainbow’s end?

I’m limited.
I’ve always thought I could do whatever my heart desires and excel.
But I’m limited.
Limited by opportunities.
Limited by principle.
Limited by my idealism.

Look, is that a rainbow?
I’m delusional.
I’ll make do under this willow
though frail and thin its branches may be.

Are you there God?
Are you teaching me to trust?
Are you showing me who’s God?
Are you telling me to submit?
Are you telling me that I am nothing and all that I am is in you alone?
Are you stripping me of my pride and self-sufficiency?
My dreams, my idealism, my trust in me?

I profess to love you with all my heart my soul my strength.
Yet, I love myself an inch more.
I hate being inconvenienced for your cause.
Because me is more important than yours.

Lord, help me to dance in the rain.
Help me to learn the lessons of pain.
Let it strip me of myself.
Let it fill me with you.