Sunday, July 04, 2004

Where has me gone to?

Today my tuition at Karyne's house ended early and so I had a lot of time in my hands. I decided to visit my brother at Starbucks since it's near my next tuition place and I wanted to see if people are treating him nice and how's his workplace like.

Before I reached the MRT, I tried calling him but he didn't pick his phone up so I just headed there.

It was then I realised I have changed.

When I got there, I pushed the door open and I glance around. He's there. My heart jumped. I was soo worried that he would not be there and I was rather tired after the long walk to Orchard Parade. Before I reached, I was soo excited to see my Kor Kor but at the same time at the back of my mind I was pushing away the thought of the disappointment I will have if he isn't there. I was walking so much faster then usual and trying not to think about anything at all.

So much so that when I got there, I did not even show a hint of the vast happiness I was feeling inside before that because I was going to visit him and, furthermore, at that time I was feeling more relieved then anything else.

I have realised two things. I realised that as I look upon my brother I was afraid that I would embarrass him infront of his colleagues. I realised how self conscious I have becomed. I realised that I've have changed quite a lot without my knowledge and I don't really think it's for the better.

You may think it's natural (or perhaps not) for me to feel unnatural in a new place, but only just, I thought of how I would have acted at that time if I was my old self. I would have skipped my way to Orchard parade admiring the tall buildings and basking in the sunrays. I would have broken into a run when I caught sight of the "starbucks" sign. I would have creeped up at the sight to see if my brother was there, and if he is I would pushed the doors open and yelled "Surprise!!!" (I'm not exxarating) and I would have bullied my brother into buying me a drink and serving me. Pulling him out at breaktime and bringing him somewhere to eat lunch even if he had 30 mins of break and have to run back to work. BUT all that I did not do. Afraid that he might get angry, I appeared aloof and quiet. Asked formal questions. Spoke so discreetly. So unlike me. I hated what I have become.

NO! I will not allow myself to keep on being held back by my fears!

I feel so leashed! From tomorrow on, I will overcome this and regain my childhood innocence and boldness.

Let this be my prayer, "O God, please help me to keep the values and characteristic that is pleasing to you and discard my bad habits and fears, So that I can live my life as you willed and be the happy person you made me to be. Dear Lord, please give me wisdom so that I may know my weaknesses and grow stronger as a child of God. Give me strength that I may be able to overcome all temptations and avoid all behaviour and situations that will bring me away from you. Thank you Jesus for being so kind and merciful to me, for always giving me second and second and second chances. Jesus I want to be forever yours! To the Lord that gives all Confidence, Hope and Love, I pray in Jesus' Name, Amen!"

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